Let's change the rules of the Dating Game… back to the old school
I met him at a business networking event while he was in town. He took my card and asked me out for breakfast shortly after. That wonderful date filled with intellectual stimulation was followed by another until one day – within the same month, I had the idea to book a flight and visit him in another city. I swear I could feel the breath slowing down as I got into his car from the airport. The night spent together (at his place) flipped our intellectual stimulation into a physical downfall. Morning after, I could literally hear the flatline of our budding union. He tried to get out of taking me to the airport and of course, he didn’t call me for weeks afterwards – until he was in my side of town again. I can already hear someone saying; ‘booty call!’
I make this realization (and generalisation) with personal bias but I think us modern (and young) women don’t allow ourselves to be courted and chased. We work too hard; are too eager to ‘go for it’ and seal the deal. As a result, guys have it far too easy and as I’ve learnt from my experience(s), the deal most likely falls through when the stakes are low.
Whatever the circumstances may be, the relationship is a non-starter. So where is the disconnect? I decided to find out from both men and women.
At Initial Contact/ Hello…
Like with a business networking event, they’ll walk away with a handful of cards/ contacts and the likelihood of them using the contacts usually depends on their relevance to the hustler’s line of interests. Says Sizwe Mogale, a Computer & Network Security Professional: “If you lose a guy at ‘Hello’, you need to work out if you had him to begin with. It means you didn’t make an impression on him.”
Steve Harvey says in ‘Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man’, (yes, I’m quoting Steve Harvey), “We men are simple people, if we like what we see, we’re coming over there. If we don’t want anything from you, we’re not coming over there.”
After the first date…
“I once went out with this older guy. After chatting, he hinted he is ready to go home. So I figured I’d catch a ride with him since he was headed the same direction. So he somehow ignores my direction to my place and I play along and we end up at his place. We get in and things get nice and frisky. Next morning he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. So I left and never heard from him again,” says a 20-something year old gay friend. Sound familiar?
I’ve observed how some of my modern friends and I, including men who date other men make the bad move of ‘giving it up’ too quickly. We let them go straight into the book. If you would’ve made him read the preface before, he might have gotten the advice on how to get the best of the book and truly appreciate it.
To quote Steve again: “When you’re not aware that all men have their own plan (which often involves sleeping with you), you’re placing requirements on him; and if you’re not setting any ground rules, you’re essentially telling him that you’re open for his rules.”
He adds: “This means he’ll call you when he’s ready, he won’t be opening any of your doors etc. Men respect standards, get some!”
Here are some requirements Steve says you should have on the first date: “Tell him the kind of food you like and let him figure out the place he thinks will suit your taste. Don’t tell him you’ll drive - let him pick you up. Don’t tell him you’ll go dutch (50/50) - let him pay. Don’t invite him for nightcap – kiss him goodnight and let him figure out what he needs to do to earn that cookie (but not before the ninety-day probation ends)”.
In the first month…
Somaya Iwuoha reflects: “There was a guy who was after me and I kept blowing him off cause I didn’t think he liked me for the right reasons. Eventually (after 8 months), I gave in. We started sms’ng, calling, going out and it looked like everything was going well. Then after 3 weeks into it, he stopped calling me.”
The difference here is that Somaya hadn’t slept with the guy and in her investigation (from the guy’s friend) into what the cause of his ‘disappearing act’ might have been, she found out that the guy said he was afraid he’d start liking her and get attached. Which could be a problem if he’s just out to ‘tap that’!
Says Sizwe: “If things don’t work out at this stage you were either not all honest when things started and the real you is coming out and the guy is not liking it. It could be you’re an overly emotional or clingy woman. Or maybe the sex is not good, or the guy just realised that he was only physically attracted to you and got what he wanted so it’s cool to leave now.”
Somaya’s self-preservation saved her a whole lot more heartache and confusion, like she says: “I’m not one to beg, so I left him alone. And much later he sms’d asking to hang out. I was like, ‘wtf? Are you kidding me?!’ That’s where that ended.”
Mandisa O. Mahlobo (MOM), Relationship Coach and Founder of the Perfect Gal Lifestyle Centre (that teaches women the Art of Seduction), preaches the simple principle: ‘You should be choosing if you want him, not the other way around’. She says that some of the tools they drill into women’s psyche include:
1. Have dreams of your own. Stop crowding him and spending a lot of energy on his dreams.
2. Have self-love. Stop sacrificing your own needs before his.
3. Learn to detach. Don’t make him center of everything. Live your own life.
MOM’s advice on the ‘Art of Seduction’:
1. Don’t approach him: If you’d like to get his attention, do it in a subtle way. Like if you work with him, do a project with him but don’t talk about love until he brings it up.
2. Charm: Be friends with him. Make interesting conversation. Give him some advice/ assistance when he needs it, without being a doormat.
3. Put down that phone: Don’t call him. Let him chase you. If he chooses not to use your number, he’s not interested. If he’s really interested he won’t resist.
4. Move on: If he has a delayed response or simply not calling. Don’t wait around. Occupy yourself – go visit your mother, hook up with friends (who understand the art of seduction), volunteer at a children’s home (making someone who need it happy, makes us happy), get a hobby etc.
5. Teach him: No one treats you inferior without your permission.
If all this is too much to take in, just remember to cross your legs and let him wait!
Nonkululeko Godana is not a relationships expert. Just a writer with over a decade of experience in relationships/ dating.
To contact Perfect Gal Lifestyle Centre: Call Mandisa O. Mahlobo: 084 411 9257
I make this realization (and generalisation) with personal bias but I think us modern (and young) women don’t allow ourselves to be courted and chased. We work too hard; are too eager to ‘go for it’ and seal the deal. As a result, guys have it far too easy and as I’ve learnt from my experience(s), the deal most likely falls through when the stakes are low.
Whatever the circumstances may be, the relationship is a non-starter. So where is the disconnect? I decided to find out from both men and women.
At Initial Contact/ Hello…
Like with a business networking event, they’ll walk away with a handful of cards/ contacts and the likelihood of them using the contacts usually depends on their relevance to the hustler’s line of interests. Says Sizwe Mogale, a Computer & Network Security Professional: “If you lose a guy at ‘Hello’, you need to work out if you had him to begin with. It means you didn’t make an impression on him.”
Steve Harvey says in ‘Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man’, (yes, I’m quoting Steve Harvey), “We men are simple people, if we like what we see, we’re coming over there. If we don’t want anything from you, we’re not coming over there.”
After the first date…
“I once went out with this older guy. After chatting, he hinted he is ready to go home. So I figured I’d catch a ride with him since he was headed the same direction. So he somehow ignores my direction to my place and I play along and we end up at his place. We get in and things get nice and frisky. Next morning he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. So I left and never heard from him again,” says a 20-something year old gay friend. Sound familiar?
I’ve observed how some of my modern friends and I, including men who date other men make the bad move of ‘giving it up’ too quickly. We let them go straight into the book. If you would’ve made him read the preface before, he might have gotten the advice on how to get the best of the book and truly appreciate it.
To quote Steve again: “When you’re not aware that all men have their own plan (which often involves sleeping with you), you’re placing requirements on him; and if you’re not setting any ground rules, you’re essentially telling him that you’re open for his rules.”
He adds: “This means he’ll call you when he’s ready, he won’t be opening any of your doors etc. Men respect standards, get some!”
Here are some requirements Steve says you should have on the first date: “Tell him the kind of food you like and let him figure out the place he thinks will suit your taste. Don’t tell him you’ll drive - let him pick you up. Don’t tell him you’ll go dutch (50/50) - let him pay. Don’t invite him for nightcap – kiss him goodnight and let him figure out what he needs to do to earn that cookie (but not before the ninety-day probation ends)”.
In the first month…
Somaya Iwuoha reflects: “There was a guy who was after me and I kept blowing him off cause I didn’t think he liked me for the right reasons. Eventually (after 8 months), I gave in. We started sms’ng, calling, going out and it looked like everything was going well. Then after 3 weeks into it, he stopped calling me.”
The difference here is that Somaya hadn’t slept with the guy and in her investigation (from the guy’s friend) into what the cause of his ‘disappearing act’ might have been, she found out that the guy said he was afraid he’d start liking her and get attached. Which could be a problem if he’s just out to ‘tap that’!
Says Sizwe: “If things don’t work out at this stage you were either not all honest when things started and the real you is coming out and the guy is not liking it. It could be you’re an overly emotional or clingy woman. Or maybe the sex is not good, or the guy just realised that he was only physically attracted to you and got what he wanted so it’s cool to leave now.”
Somaya’s self-preservation saved her a whole lot more heartache and confusion, like she says: “I’m not one to beg, so I left him alone. And much later he sms’d asking to hang out. I was like, ‘wtf? Are you kidding me?!’ That’s where that ended.”
Mandisa O. Mahlobo (MOM), Relationship Coach and Founder of the Perfect Gal Lifestyle Centre (that teaches women the Art of Seduction), preaches the simple principle: ‘You should be choosing if you want him, not the other way around’. She says that some of the tools they drill into women’s psyche include:
1. Have dreams of your own. Stop crowding him and spending a lot of energy on his dreams.
2. Have self-love. Stop sacrificing your own needs before his.
3. Learn to detach. Don’t make him center of everything. Live your own life.
MOM’s advice on the ‘Art of Seduction’:
1. Don’t approach him: If you’d like to get his attention, do it in a subtle way. Like if you work with him, do a project with him but don’t talk about love until he brings it up.
2. Charm: Be friends with him. Make interesting conversation. Give him some advice/ assistance when he needs it, without being a doormat.
3. Put down that phone: Don’t call him. Let him chase you. If he chooses not to use your number, he’s not interested. If he’s really interested he won’t resist.
4. Move on: If he has a delayed response or simply not calling. Don’t wait around. Occupy yourself – go visit your mother, hook up with friends (who understand the art of seduction), volunteer at a children’s home (making someone who need it happy, makes us happy), get a hobby etc.
5. Teach him: No one treats you inferior without your permission.
If all this is too much to take in, just remember to cross your legs and let him wait!
Nonkululeko Godana is not a relationships expert. Just a writer with over a decade of experience in relationships/ dating.
To contact Perfect Gal Lifestyle Centre: Call Mandisa O. Mahlobo: 084 411 9257
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